Subtle Signs

It's been 10 whole months since I last wrote anything. Time really flies but the good news is I'm still alive. Work has been hectic and with my home too, I barely find time to write. I've promised myself to write atleast a note a day. God help me!

Recently, a friend of my mine tried to kiss me. A male friend, someone who is married and whom I consider a womanizer because of his numerous extra marital affairs I know of. Someone, who himself admits that he loves women and whom I could never ever imagine myself being romantically being involved with. He’s married for Christ’s sakes and he is a womanizer.  So why will he want to kiss me?

Jack and I first met in the course of business. I was out of the country for work and so was he. I had heard about him but not his reputation (which I mentioned above). Maybe, the people who talked about him didn’t know that part. But well, that is not the issue here. I was drawn to Jack because I knew he was my exact opposite. He is everything I would like to be but which I would never be and I told him that. He is a direct, free-spirited, open-minded, fun loving guy. I have never ever seen him angry or moody or sad. He is always happy. Everything he says is funny (maybe I’m exaggerating a little). But I like him only as a friend. Even if Jack was single, I would never have considered dating him.

Now, when Jack tried to kiss me, I made light of the situation and laughed and pretended like nothing happened. It’s not like he was drunk or anything. I’ve partied and drunk with him countless times to know that two bottles of ‘small Guinness’ is just the tip of the ice-berg. I am yet to see Jack drunk because even after full nights of partying, Jack will appear at work and no one (unless he told them) would guess that he was out drinking. Yep, Jack is that good.

I had not seen him in almost 17 months and I was excited to see him. I had told him countless times that I missed him and that we should really find time and meet. We always spoke on phone and truth I was always excited when I spoke to him. He just made me giggle like a teenager every time whether we spoke on phone or chatted online. That day I made sure we met, since we were in the same town.

Now, after he tried to kiss me and I pulled away, I wondered if I had unknowingly gave him signs that he read wrongly or ‘rightly’. Was it wrong for me to call him often, insist he called me so we could meet when he passed through my town, chat with him incessantly on the internet? Did I go over board when I told Jack that I missed him and would really like to see him?

On the other hand, I had always known that though I considered Jack my friend, he probably looked at me in a different way. Deep down, though I refused to admit it to myself, I knew that if he had his way with me, he’d take it. So why did I unknowingly let him on? Did I trust him too much? Am I equally to blame for what happened?

And now what was I supposed to do? After the ‘attempt’, it was both an awkward situation for us, we tried to behave like nothing happened and finally said good night. He called me less than 10 minutes later. I don’t know if he did so to apologize or to find out if I was mad at him but we ended up talking about things here and there as if nothing had happened just minutes before. We spent more than half an hour talking and finally said goodnight.

I slept alright but I realized that if I didn’t wish to lose my friend, we’d have to talk about the incident. But I didn’t want to be the one to call him the next day. So when I noticed that he was on Skype, I sent him a good morning. I knew I was treading on shaky ground. The truth is I value Jack’s friendship a lot. He makes me laugh one hundred percent of the time. No one has ever had that effect on me. He’s a practical person and he’s not pretentious. I love his franchise. And like I said before, he’s everything that I would never be that I wish to be.

So, when I reached out to Jack that morning, it didn’t occur to me that he would reply to my greetings and nothing else. I was disappointed but I decided not to push it. I didn’t want to call him yet again because I thought that would rather be another subtle yet encouraging sign and I didn’t want that. At that time, I thought Jack was feeling guilty and sorry for what he tried to do and he was so embarrassed he couldn’t call me or write to me. I like to see the best in people, that’s for sure as my friend Valerie* would always say so I always give them the benefit of the doubt.

I was trying to be diplomatic but months later, I’ve come to the realization that I may have lost my friend for good. Neither of us spoke to the other during the Christmas and Easter holidays. There were no text messages and no online chatting. I have decided that I’m not going to call Jack again. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that we were good friends. Maybe he only saw me as a piece of ass and he waited for an opportunity to present itself. Maybe, I am the one who led him on with the attention that I gave him. Maybe, it was meant to be that way. Maybe this, maybe that. Just a lot of maybes.

I could never be certain about what went on in Jack’s head before and after the incident. I can only hope that he knows I hold nothing against him and that we could be friends again (on condition that he doesn’t try to make a move on me, lol). However, I wonder we would ever get to that place we were before, I would always be on the lookout for any dubious moves and that would be no fun.

Right now, I don’t know. Time will certainly tell.