The pressure to get married

Most single ladies in their mid to late twenties and those in their thirties surely know what I mean about the pressure to get married. I am twenty nine years old as at the time of this write-up and I have a job (not so great) but I live comfortably. I have had this job for 8 years and for a while now, most people I meet who are able to guess my age correctly (a lot of them think I look 5-8 years younger) want to know if I am married. Why? How is it any of their business whether or not I am married?

I know growing up in an environment like ours, society places people in boxes and expects them to behave in a certain manner at a certain age. Gender related roles and responsibilities are given to people who are expected to adhere to society’s standards. And it is for this reason that a lot of people expect that as a young lady who has completed her university education and gotten a job, all what is left of me to do is to get married and have kids. It’s a nice expectation though, because that is what some people want maybe because they have been programmed to believe so or maybe because it is their deepest desire. I know someone who only wanted to get married and have kids after she got her A’ levels. I am by no means saying that it is wrong, I am a strong advocate of “to each his own”. However, my worry is if this is a standard by which all should be held accountable? What if that is not what I want for my life?

I have gotten into arguments many times because people think I hold a lot of unconventional views about life. It’s true that sometimes, I take a controversial view about a topic only because I try to look at things from another perspective and not stick to the status quo. But in this case, I am not here to stir up things, in fact the reason I am writing is because this topic is my current reality.

I have stayed up in bed many nights wondering if I should accept the marriage proposal of someone I am not the least attracted to physically. We were friends but I had always told him I was not into him but he felt I would come around. I also decided to look further than the physical – short, fat and a pot-belly – by spending time with him. While I know I am not perfect and I expect none to be, all I wanted to verify was if despite the fact that he wasn’t my type physically, there was something else I could be attracted to –especially his mind. Boy, how wrong was I? I noted he would never listen to my opinion, during arguments (mainly business, politics and such), he would shut me down immediately by saying I don’t know what I am talking about and he would not have such discussions with me (I felt this was the height of disrespect). In a bid to put pressure on me, he would make snide comments like “we’re not getting any younger” and “there are so many girls out there who want me and you are rejecting me”. He made this comment so many times that I told him to choose one of them and get married, and that I would gladly attend the wedding if invited.

But what’s the essence of this? I know I could never live peacefully with a man who tries to belittle me and make me feel like I can’t have an intelligent conversation yet I find myself lying awake at night wondering whether I should accept. And it’s not even as if I have this mad chemistry with him or I am just a bit attracted to him. Yet, I beat my 29 year old self and chide her every single day for being very difficult. I mean all these people getting married are not all in love. Am I being a fool at 29, waiting to fall in love? When will that be, what if that never happens? And because of these doubts, I am almost willing to enter a loveless relationship that I am almost certain would make me miserable for the rest of my life.

When I tell people that I am in no rush to get married, they give me a look like I am crazy. I know that I am an analytical person, I always want to weigh the pros and cons of every potential decision before I make it. The last time I jumped in to the waves without thinking, I almost drowned. I guess I am just that kind of person who must think carefully before making the littlest decision. Now, because of this analytical nature, my personal choices are not aligning with society’s expectation of me. That’s why a few people think I have lost it. But I know, I am true to myself. I want to marry the person that I feel in my heart (80%-90%) should be my spouse. I by no means want to rush into a situation just because everybody expects me to. I am responsible for my actions and ready to bear the consequences. The so-called society would not be there when things go bad. The worst thing I can do to myself is to make a decision to please people who know nothing about my difficulties, challenges and worries when I know the decision is not in my best interest. I am not ashamed of being a spinster, I cherish the liberty that comes with singlehood – decision making, traveling, leisure, cars, apartments, career, etc – I don’t have to get anyone’s approval before I take a step, I do as I please.

A lot of persons have succumbed to the pressure and would not make the same decision if they could turn back the hands of time. Why can’t I learn from them? Why should I succumb to a group of faceless people just to feel like I belong (to where exactly sef). The pressure will always be there, but I refused to give in. I will get married when I want, when I find the man I am ready to spend my life with, whether that is tomorrow, in a month, year, etc. But it’ll be when I want to and on my terms.